Platform 13

Full disclosure: This is based on my own experiences. It is also inspired by my determination to not avoid my issues like I did again.

Photo by A. C. on Unsplash

If you’ve ever felt that the world would be better off without you in it, then please remember these two things before reading on.
First, the world would be a fundamentally darker place without you.
Second, you are seen. You are never, ever, alone.

20:47

I’ve been waiting for these darker evenings, at least I think I have been. It will be better for the driver now; they won’t see me. I don’t want to traumatise someone, but apparently, they can get medical retirement if they witness a certain number of jumps. I don’t know if that’s true or not, so I’m going to play it safe. God, I’m such a fucking coward. No, I’m not, this is the right thing. I’m making it better.
(making what better?)
It will be better afterwards.
(for who?)
Will it hurt?
(do I care?)

Here comes a train, okay, time to go. Come on, I can do this, just a couple of steps and then it’s over.
Shit! It’s already here. Fucking idiot, can’t even die right.
(there’s no such thing)
Fuck, don’t cry, someone will notice, and you’ll fuck this up even more.
(maybe they should notice)
Right, the train’s going. One more chance, fifteen minutes then it ends.
(do I want it to?)

20:53

“Excuse me, are you OK?” Where did she come from? Why does she care?
(why wouldn’t she?)
Just nod and walk away, not long left.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” Did I say that properly? Will she notice I’m not alright?
(she already has)

“Um, I’m not sure you are. Would you do me a favour? Just step away from the edge for me.” Fuck, what do I do now? I couldn’t do this right, I’ve fucked this up just like I’ve fucked up everything else.
“Sorry, what have you fucked up?”
“What?”
“You just said you’d fucked everything else up. Can you tell me more about it?”
“I never said that.” Christ, I’m a fucking moron, speaking out loud. I’m ruining it.
(am I trying to stop myself?)
“I heard you love. Why don’t we have a chat about it?”

20:55

“I don’t want to talk about it”
(Yes I do)
“Well, I’d like to. Maybe we can, just for a little while, yeah?” What do I do now? Five minutes, I can see the arrival time.
(talk to her)
“I’m, I’m, I don’t want to talk about it. Can you just leave me alone?” Yeah, like that’s going to work, stupid bastard. “You’re not a stupid bastard love.” What? I never said that out loud.
(maybe I did)
“I really don’t think you’re a stupid bastard. Come on, let’s have a sit down for a minute, yeah?”

“I am a stupid bastard, I am.” Why am I talking to her?
(I’m asking for help)
“I don’t think you are, I really don’t. Come on, just step back a bit for me, talk to me about it.” Don’t look at her face, don’t look at her face. Fuck, why did I look at her face?
(because I need help)

She looks concerned, why is she concerned about me?
“I’ve fucked it all up, they’re gone and I’ve fucked it all up.” I’m crying, why am I crying? Why the fuck am I crying?
(because I don’t want to die)
“My name’s Julia, what’s yours?”
“Ri-Richard.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Richard. Listen, if you don’t want to step away from the edge, will you do something else for me?”
She wants me to jump, doesn’t she? She knows I’m fucking useless.
(why would she want that)
“Richard? Richard love, would you hold my hand?”

21:00

She’s holding my hand, I can feel her holding my hand. Why am I walking away from the platform?
(because I don’t want to die)
“That’s great Richard, that’s great. Let’s have a sit-down and you can tell me all about everything, love. I’m just going to sit next to you and hold your hand.”
(just let it out now)
“I-I, I fucked up.”
“We all get things wrong Richard. It doesn’t make us bad or wrong.”
“But, but I am, I…”
“It’s OK Richard, it’s OK.”
She’s still holding my hand, and my head is on her shoulders, and I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop.
(don’t stop)

21:03

There are people around me, where did they come from? Who put the blanket over my shoulders? Why is there a policeman next to me? What’s he saying on his radio? The train’s leaving the platform. I missed that one too.
(I changed my mind)

“Where’s Julia?” The policeman doesn’t seem to hear me. “Where’s Julia?!” Someone else is next to me, they’ve got their arms around my shoulders. “It’s OK now, my name’s Wendy. Listen, why don’t we get off the platform, it’s cold out here, and it’s raining. Why don’t we go sit in my vehicle and you can have a drink.”

“But, Julia was here. She, she was here.” There’s no one sitting next to me now, where did she go?
(she’s somewhere)

Wendy is helping me up, and I’m going with her. This feels like the right thing to do now.
(because it is)
She’s right, it is raining, why didn’t I notice that before? The policeman is talking on his radio, and people are staring at me as I walk with Wendy away from the platform. She’s got a uniform on, it’s green. I’m going with her to an ambulance, aren’t I?

I can see a metal plaque on the platform railing, the drops on it make it glint under the lights. I stop, and Wendy looks at me, worried. The policeman is watching me, I can feel his eyes. “I just want to see that sign.” Wendy nods and we walk over.

In loving memory of Julia Brown
1989 - 2017
We wish we could have held your hand